In the last few weeks I have entered in to uncharted territory with this “coming out” Malarkey!! And I’m possibly a little out of my depth suddenly!!
At first I chose the people I wanted to tell and could sit them down (or walk along a beach) and break the news to them that I am not like the other boys!! And fortunately all those experiences turned out to be very positive!!!
Then in phase 2 I decided to introduce myself to friends on Facebook and offer to answer any question they may have had whilst the shock of it all set in!! I even managed to have fun with a few that didn’t instantly recognise me, allowing us to playing guessing games with for me giving them hints until they worked it out!! But thankfully they have all turned out to be positive experiences too!!
But with adding more and more of them to my Facebook account, it has meant that I have started to show up in the “People you may know” for others that I haven’t told yet!!! And as good as I am at my makeup I think it is still pretty obvious that it is me!! And it is scary for me to know people are possibly gossiping about me out there with other people that know me too!!! I am no longer in control…………And I always like to be in control (as some of you will know).
I am very aware at the moment, that the news has hit my home town of Portsoy (which is a small town in the north east of Scotland) where I grew up and love with great affection. A place that I miss every single day. It is one of the most beautiful towns in Scotland with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met, living in and around it!!
But it is also the town in which I felt I had to leave 15 years ago as I would never have been able to walk down the street (safely) being who I wanted to be! Because as with a lot of small towns like Portsoy, there are still lots of closed minded, bigoted and not so nice people, that unfortunately are not afraid to say what they think!! And I know that news like this is exactly what some of these people love!!
It is strange for me to look back at my childhood/young adulthood now living in Portsoy and to reflect on the great lengths that I would go to to prove my masculinity and machoness!! I was constantly in trouble!! And had quite a reputation for fighting unfortuately!! And I’m so glad that is all behind me now, mainly as I don’t think I could even pretend to be macho any more, even if I tried!!! ….. lol x But I believe this is still the perception most people have of me back there to this day!!
Anyway I digress, over the last few weeks I have started receiving friend requests from people back home, mostly from old friends that I’ve lost contact with over the years. This has proved to be a very daunting experience, most have sent no messages along with their requests so I have no idea what they are thinking?? Are they showing me support? Are they just being curious/nosey? Or are they looking to get more info to use against me and my family (who still live there) in the future? A couple of them have contacted me to say that they have read my blog and that they are happy for me which is good!! But most haven’t and it’s very frustrating not knowing other peoples intentions when asking to be friends (I am naturally very sceptical anyway I think) and also not knowing what they have been told and how accurate the information is!!! God I am such a control freak!! I’m also aware that they are only the tip of the iceberg of the people who now know about my gender issues!! And how do I get the truth of my story to all of them??? Or should I even be bothering? Is it any of their business? I don’t know!!!
I want to sit them all down and explain things to them properly so they have a positive understanding of who I am, but I know that is not going to be possible!
So I’ll not be able to get across to them that this is not what I wanted for my life!!! That I have fought tooth and nail all my life to try and be what society wanted me to be and make the inside match my outside appearance!! And that I am now psychologically and emotionally exhausted for my efforts!! And that I still don’t really want it, but am coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to live my life as a social outcast in order to make the outside match the inside instead!! And that my future is going to be filled with prejudice and bigotry on a daily basis!! And that leaving my house every day will be a battle of confidence and self esteem as I try to face the world! I am sure there will be lot’s of positive experiences and lovely people along the way too, but life is never going to be straightforward again!! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!
I’m probably never going to be able to go to Portsoy again for these reasons and that makes me very sad!! As I still don’t know if I have the strength to make the changes I need to to live my life in Edinburgh!!
I have not had any negative experiences with people I know yet and I’m sort of starting to prepare myself for the inevitability of my first as more people are finding out, I just hope I am strong enough to handle it when it comes along!!
So with all these changes going on and my recent separation, I’ve decided that I can finally have a Glamorous party in my flat in Edinburgh for my birthday which is coming up soon and this is one of my outfit choices for it!! Is it a little understated for such an event? Or is there just the right amount of sophistication necessary for girl of my age? haha x