The truth is out there!!!

In the last few weeks I have entered in to uncharted territory with this “coming out” Malarkey!! And I’m possibly a little out of my depth suddenly!!

At first I chose the people I wanted to tell and could sit them down (or walk along a beach) and break the news to them that I am not like the other boys!! And fortunately all those experiences turned out to be very positive!!!

Then in phase 2 I decided to introduce myself to friends on Facebook and offer to answer any question they may have had whilst the shock of it all set in!! I even managed to have fun with a few that didn’t instantly recognise me, allowing us to playing guessing games with for me giving them hints until they worked it out!! But thankfully they have all turned out to be positive experiences too!!

But with adding more and more of them to my Facebook account, it has meant that I have started to show up in the “People you may know” for others that I haven’t told yet!!! And as good as I am at my makeup I think it is still pretty obvious that it is me!! And it is scary for me to know people are possibly gossiping about me out there with other people that know me too!!! I am no longer in control…………And I always like to be in control (as some of you will know).

I am very aware at the moment, that the news has hit my home town of Portsoy (which is a small town in the north east of Scotland) where I grew up and love with great affection. A place that I miss every single day. It is one of the most beautiful towns in Scotland with some of the most wonderful people I have ever met, living in and around it!!

But it is also the town in which I felt I had to leave 15 years ago as I would never have been able to walk down the street (safely) being who I wanted to be! Because as with a lot of small towns like Portsoy, there are still lots of closed minded, bigoted and not so nice people, that unfortunately are not afraid to say what they think!! And I know that news like this is exactly what some of these people love!!

It is strange for me  to look back at my childhood/young adulthood now living in Portsoy and to reflect on the great lengths that I would go to to prove my masculinity and machoness!! I was constantly in trouble!! And had quite a reputation for fighting unfortuately!! And I’m so glad that is all behind me now, mainly as I don’t think I could even pretend to be macho any more, even if I tried!!! ….. lol x But I believe this is still the perception most people have of me back there to this day!!

Anyway I digress, over the last few weeks I have started receiving friend requests from people back home, mostly from old friends that I’ve lost contact with over the years. This has proved to be a very daunting experience, most have sent no messages along with their requests so I have no idea what they are thinking?? Are they showing me support? Are they just being curious/nosey? Or are they looking to get more info to use against me and my family (who still live there) in the future? A couple of them have contacted me to say that they have read my blog and that they are happy for me which is good!! But most haven’t and it’s very frustrating not knowing other peoples intentions when asking to be friends (I am naturally very sceptical anyway I think) and also not knowing what they have been told and how accurate the information is!!! God I am such a control freak!! I’m also aware that they are only the tip of the iceberg of the people who now know about my gender issues!! And how do I get the truth of my story to all of them??? Or should I even be bothering? Is it any of their business? I don’t know!!!

I want to sit them all down and explain things to them properly so they have a positive understanding of who I am, but I know that is not going to be possible!

So I’ll not be able to get across to them that this is not what I wanted for my life!!! That I have fought tooth and nail all my life to try and be what society wanted me to be and make the inside match my outside appearance!! And that I am now psychologically and emotionally exhausted  for my efforts!! And that I still don’t really want it, but am coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to live my life as a social outcast in order to make the outside match the inside instead!! And that my future is going to be filled with prejudice and bigotry on a daily basis!! And that leaving my house every day will be a battle of confidence and self esteem as I try to face the world! I am sure there will be lot’s of positive experiences and lovely people along the way too, but life is never going to be straightforward again!! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

I’m probably never going to be able to go to Portsoy again for these reasons and that makes me very sad!! As I still don’t know if I have the strength to make the changes I need to to live my life in Edinburgh!!

I have not had any negative experiences with people I know yet and I’m sort of starting to prepare myself for the inevitability of my first as more people are finding out, I just hope I am strong enough to handle it when it comes along!!

So with all these changes going on and my recent separation, I’ve decided that I can finally have a Glamorous party in my flat in Edinburgh for my birthday which is coming up soon and this is one of my outfit choices for it!! Is it a little understated for such an event? Or is there just the right amount of sophistication necessary for girl of my age?  haha x

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20 thoughts on “The truth is out there!!!

  1. You could be telling the story of my last month. The only difference is that my hometown is 4,000 miles away in Wisconsin. I assume that some of my renewed “friends” are gawkers, but all of those who have contacted me are supportive, even some that I would have expected to be really nasty to me.
    I’m sad to hear you sound resigned to living as an outcast. That is not necessary. You are attractive and articulate. There is no reason that you can’t build a new life on your terms. I am doing the same. It is a daunting task and requires a lot of work, but it can be done.
    Also, the outfit is cute, but for your birthday you should go as fancy and festive as you can. If you can’t cut loose on your birthday, when can you?

    Becky

  2. Scottish women are beautiful and you my dear are no exception. My apologies for not posting earlier as I have been meaning to for sometime. Just wanted to let you know that you are cared about and certainly not alone.

    Much respect,

    Rachel (in Canada) ❤

  3. don’t you dare stay away from your parents because of some small minded imbeciles. maybe some should take a step back and look at their own lives and whats missing from it if they get of on gossiping. your so brave although you shouldn’t have to be, it should just be accepted that its who you are. total inspiration to lots of people, i was always bothered by what people thought of me, now it doesn’t bother me so much. comment for the day in response to small minded people, “take it you don’t have mirrors in your house then”
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Lucy, I admire how far you have come and I enjoyed being on of those you managed to have fun with when you first messaged me… your bugger ! But you know I’m looking forward to catching up and that’s going to happen soon.

    I know what you mean about the someone you might know bit I hate that especially when ex’s appear and you think omg I will at some point appeared on their suggestions !

    Keep that strength you have in all the positiv ways x x.

    • I’d forgotten that i had teased you too…….haha xx You were the first to be told, very privileged ;o) xx And I love watching you falling more and more in love, it’s so nice to watch it blossoming :o) x I really hope we do get the chance to catch up some time, it’s long overdue x

  5. Lucy, I’ve told you this before and I’m going to ‘Auntie Frances’ you again with it; you’re a wonderful, wonderful person and I love you no matter who else wants to be daft about you and your choices in life. Be YOU. Because that;s who we admire, support and love xx

  6. You know,, the reason you have to take criticism over all this is that we really don’t understand. Most of us have no experience of any of these gender issues. It’s not that we are criticising. We just don'[t understand why!
    I have a suggestion. You write very well. Why don’t you write about it. Not so much a blog – which is great- and useful for those of us who don’t understand. But why not write your story? Chapter by chapter – maybe once a week or so. A serial about your life and how these issues grew and became important to you.
    Give the story a title and I guarantee that a lot of us will be waiting every week for the next instalment. We WANT to understand! X

    • Thank you for being so candid with me Aunty dot, I can always rely on you to say what everyone else is thinking and too scared to say :o)
      I really wish that I could put my story into writing, but as a 9 I would start with the greatest of intentions and it would soon peter out ……heehee x
      But I am willing to meet you any time, here in Edinburgh or over in fife to try and explain it as best I can! Maybe not the full life story, but a quick synopsis over a cuppa and cake xx Or if you or anyone want to ask me any questions it, I am happy to put some ramblings down on paper or Facebook to help x

  7. I admire you sharing your story – and I’m sad to hear about not being able to go back to your hometown. BUT it’s awesome that you’ve had so many positive experiences, so let’s keep ’em coming.

    Also – as for outfits. I definitely like this one, but you said it’s only option 1, that means there must be more options, right? Photoshoot time.

  8. Lucy, you should never mind the small minded people from “home” some of them will be biggotted to whoever they can. Im sure you will visit the hometown again and i would love to see you when you came up, As a friend and as my “best man at my weddding” of which i still have those manequins you will always be welcome up past to see the family and no doubt if we are ever in Edinburgh in sure the baking that you seem to have been perfecting will always go down a treat. So when you do get back to the “Brae” drop us a line.
    Keep the faith Dood

  9. I am so impressed by the way in which you have handled what you refer to as this “Coming out Malarkey”. You have taken a very brave step which has linked your male and female sides, and from what you say here and on Facebook, it’s clearly had some very positive outcomes, from the positive people who have shown that they love the person you are and not just the body you’re wrapped in.

    When we differ in any way from society’s “norm”, there will always be a group of closed minded people who can’t or won’t see past their prejudices. But this life is too short to have to spend time worrying about these people. Concentrate on your family and the people who have proved them selves to be true friends. Take time to respond to those who are interested enough to ask questions and who try to learn more, rather than just a nosey “friend” request.

    I’m sure that there will be a time, with the support and understanding of your friends, when you feel confident enough to go back to Portsoy, and it will be with your head held high as the Lucy you are at that time and not the Paul who left those years ago. I’ll look forward to the photos on A Small Insight.

    Rosi, xxx

  10. Pingback: So nice to feel loved ♥ « A small insight

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