Firsts?! What do I mean, you say?
At the moment I am experiencing a lot of things for the first time in my life!! And it’s scary!!
As I mentioned in my last blog, I met a friend Michelle on Sunday to help her find a dress for a wedding in the summer. What I’ve realised since was that she was the first person to meet the real me, although I wasn’t necessarily dressed the part, I was most definitely being my natural self!! I felt comfortable to say things that I would usually keep to myself and for the first time ever I met someone and didn’t feel I needed to pretend to be something I’m not!! It is so liberating to finally be honest with people, but could I have done that whilst dressed as Lucy? At the moment probably not 😥 A shame because there was so much pretty shoes and dresses that I wanted to try on too x
I think I have a lot of other firsts ahead of me before I can achieve that sadly xx
Tomorrow will be the first day that(hopefully) from the start of the day till the very end, I will present myself totally as Lucy and therefore deal with anything that I want to do in that mode!! Welllllllllllll…………….Scaaaary!!! This involves a drive over to Glasgow and back to see my Counsellor and possibly some shopping along the way!
Then in a few weeks my friends Sophie and Dawn are coming over to my flat to meet me as Lucy for the first time! I think we are planning to have my first ever “Girls” night (what ever that will mean, probably lots of wine for me x) which I am really looking forward too, mainly so I can learn how to be relaxed around them whilst being myself x
Then in another month or so my sister is coming to visit and will finally get her chance to meet me dressed as well, which I’m a little nervous about, as it’s my big sister, who I’ve looked up to all my life!!
If I’m being honest this is not the lifestyle that I would have ever chosen for myself in a million years, that’s why I’ve hidden myself away for 37 years now 😥 But no matter how much I have tried to ignore it and pretend to be a “normal” boy it has never gone away!! And this new lifestyle which I have to embrace for my own sanity is really hard and it’s going to be challenging every single day to be accepted. Most days I don’t think I have the strength to do what I need to do, especially now that I am on my own! But I have to find it from somewhere and develop a thick skin somehow too so I can maybe one day find some happiness xx
Do I need to wait for a while until I have made some friends here in Edinburgh first? So they can be with me as I try new things! Perhaps!!
But I may never find anyone willing to accept me enough to want to be my friend and perhaps I am kidding myself that I can ever fit in!!! I may always just be a curiosity to some!!
But to be able to move forward in my life I have to believe that I am a lovely person (however I chose to dress on any given day) and that there are some people out there that would feel privileged to have me as a friend x
This may seem silly to some of you, but I have had a dream for many years now of sitting in a coffee shop (more specifically the Starbucks on Princes Street with the lovely view of the castle) with a Cappuccino and a Magazine and just watching the world go by!! A very simple dream you might think, but yet still so far out of my grasp at the moment!! Why? Because in order to get there I would need to stand at a bus stop, then get on a bus, then walk along one of the busiest streets in Edinburgh and then actually stand in a queue to be served, before finding a seat!! And that is quite a lot for something so simple x But would it be easier with a friend? I just don’t know!! I am always worried about talking in public as I have quite a deep manly voice, so if I was with someone else obviously I would want to talk to them and that would probably give me away to those around, if they hadn’t already worked it out!!
I am never going to have a simple life, it’s always going to be unnecessarily complicated! hmmmph x
Baby steps I’m always being told, baby steps xxx
I will try x