Firsts?! What do I mean, you say?

At the moment I am experiencing a lot of things for the first time in my life!! And it’s scary!!

As I mentioned in my last blog, I met a friend Michelle on Sunday to help her find a dress for a wedding in the summer. What I’ve realised since was that she was the first person to meet the real me, although I wasn’t necessarily dressed the part, I was most definitely being my natural self!! I felt comfortable to say things that I would usually keep to myself and for the first time ever I met someone and didn’t feel I needed to pretend to be something I’m not!! It is so liberating to finally be honest with people, but could I have done that whilst dressed as Lucy? At the moment probably not 😥  A shame because there was so much pretty shoes and dresses that I wanted to try on too x

I think I have a lot of other firsts ahead of me before I can achieve that sadly xx

Tomorrow will be the first day that(hopefully) from the start of the day till the very end, I will present myself totally as Lucy and therefore deal with anything that I want to do in that mode!! Welllllllllllll…………….Scaaaary!!!  This involves a drive over to Glasgow and back to see my Counsellor and possibly some shopping along the way!

Then in a few weeks my friends Sophie and Dawn are coming over to my flat to meet me as Lucy for the first time! I think we are planning to have my first ever “Girls” night (what ever that will mean, probably lots of wine for me x) which I am really looking forward too, mainly so I can learn how to be relaxed around them whilst being myself x

Then in another month or so my sister is coming to visit and will finally get her chance to meet me dressed as well, which I’m a little nervous about, as it’s my big sister, who I’ve looked up to all my life!!

If I’m being honest this is not the lifestyle that I would have ever chosen for myself in a million years, that’s why I’ve hidden myself away for 37 years now 😥 But no matter how much I have tried to ignore it and pretend to be a “normal” boy it has never gone away!! And this new lifestyle which I have to embrace for my own sanity is really hard and it’s going to be challenging every single day to be accepted. Most days I don’t think I have the strength to do what I need to do, especially now that I am on my own! But I have to find it from somewhere and develop a thick skin somehow too so I can maybe one day find some happiness xx

Do I need to wait for a while until I have made some friends here in Edinburgh first? So they can be with me as I try new things! Perhaps!!

But I may never find anyone willing to accept me enough to want to be my friend and perhaps I am kidding myself that I can ever fit in!!! I may always just be a curiosity to some!!

But to be able to move forward in my life I have to believe that I am a lovely person (however I chose to dress on any given day) and that there are some people out there that would feel privileged to have me as a friend x

This may seem silly to some of you, but I have had a dream for many years now of sitting in a coffee shop (more specifically the Starbucks on Princes Street with the lovely view of the castle) with a Cappuccino and a Magazine and just watching the world go by!! A very simple dream you might think, but yet still so far out of my grasp at the moment!! Why? Because in order to get there I would need to stand at a bus stop, then get on a bus, then walk along one of the busiest streets in Edinburgh and then actually stand in a queue to be served, before finding a seat!! And that is quite a lot for something so simple x But would it be easier with a friend? I just don’t know!! I am always worried about talking in public as I have quite a deep manly voice, so if I was with someone else obviously I would want to talk to them and that would probably give me away to those around, if they hadn’t already worked it out!!

I am never going to have a simple life, it’s always going to be unnecessarily complicated! hmmmph x

Baby steps I’m always being told, baby steps xxx

I will try x


6 thoughts on “Firsts!!!

  1. Take heart, baby steps over time cover a great distance 🙂 as long as you keep going in the right direction for you. xx

  2. Your baby steps will become bigger and bigger and bigger….. I’ll stand at the bus stop with you….. I’ll walk along the busiest street with you….. I’ll stand in the queue beside you…… I’ll sit beside you and read my magazine……. talking is an option……… xx

  3. Lucy, I hope I’m counted as a friend – to you and Paul; I know because of my children I’m not readily available but I like you for the person inside, not for who you think you have to be? Just be you 🙂 Remember, when God closes one door He opens a window….. xxx

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